A Home Truth Learned in a Community Circle

I know I tend to present a rather sunny picture of how we all get along here, but to be honest, it isn't always great.

Sometimes life at Pacific Gardens is not so pacific - in fact, it can get downright mean and miserable. Lately the most miserable bit has been our meetings.

They've started late, been cancelled at the last minute, and gone over time.  Agendas have come out late, or been hijacked.

People have shouted at each other, belittled others (ouch!), repeatedly blocked resolution of issues, and used intimidation to get their own way.

It's pretty distressing for those of us who believe in consensus and cooperation.  So we're trying to get help from facilitators in other cohousing communities.

But in the meantime, Bill called for a Community Circle to talk about meetings and participation.  A meeting to talk about meetings, you ask - why would you do that?

Because Community Circles are different.  They're held together by what is known as the four intentions.  The first is listening from the heart.

No judging, just accepting and seeking understanding as each person speaks their own truth in the circle, giving them your full attention.

The second is speaking from the heart, telling your own story, using "I" statements, if you choose words. Sometimes silence says what you really feel.

The third is being lean of speech.  No need to repeat what others say. This is one intention that several members of our group have difficulties with!

The final intention is spontaneity.  Don't plan what you're going to say in response to what someone else is saying. Just speak from the heart and all will be well.

So, each speaker holding an eagle feather, we talked about what bothered us about the meetings.  People don't listen. They keep blocking. There's power struggles.

Round the feather went, and then it came to David Li. Still learning to speak English, he struggled to express himself, but each time he held the feather, the message was the same.

He loved this place.  It was warm, like a family.  It was so beautiful, with the gardens, and the pond, and the wild ducks, and the deer.  He was happy to live here.

David gave us a home truth that evening. Assume best intent, and you will be happy. And it made me think, maybe that was the problem with our meetings.

We went into them from a negative place.  Perhaps all the negative events in the larger world were affecting our collective psyches, and we couldn't see what we had here.

But David could see it, and in the way of the circle, he gave that gift to us. And that gives me hope that we will get through this storm, as we have others.

Kathryn

Patience, process, and paint

I've written before about how living in cohousing encourages you to develop more patience - in my case, just a tiny little bit. We've just been through a process that would test the proverbial patience of Job, so you can just imagine what it's been like for me.

Almost a year ago, we decided we needed to do something to spiff up our rather gloomy and somewhat battered entrance. Numerous moves had left the walls chipped and covered in scrapes and black marks, and the dreary - although fashionable - grey paint was streaked and scuffed.

This did not reflect the cheery ambiance of the Pacific Gardens community, we thought, so plans for brightening up the entrance were discussed at two community meetings, as well as at various sub-committee meetings of residents eager to make it happen.

We had votes on at least three - or was it four? - kinds of wainscotting for the hallways, a vote on three different locations for the community bulletin board, and a vote on three different paint schemes, typified as bold, medium, and demure. (For some strange reason, I chose demure.)

It looked like something was actually going to happen. But, after 11 months, the entrance was still its usual, scruffy self.  Some residents were placing bets as to whether the work would be done in 2013 or 2014.

Finally, one night, a cohouser, frustrated after a difficult day at work, came home and decided it would be good personal therapy to paint one wall downstairs a brilliant lime green. It only took half an hour (which was the point). 

The reaction was immediate. E-mails flew back and forth faster than Harry Potter's messenger owls at Hogwarts - not all of them positive. But that bold action seemed to have an effect.  

Soon the gouges in the walls were patched and sanded. Bits of masking tape were placed in strategic locations. Strange notations such as "Star Thistle", "Chinking", and "Acid Rain" (that doesn't sound good!) appeared. 

Now rumour has it the walls will all be painted before next weekend, just in time for when our out-of-town guests arrive for the annual conference of the Council of Canadians in Nanaimo.

So we'll be watching that space - and posting pictures, too, of our splendiferous entrance!

Kathryn

The Zen of Meetings

After participating in Tree Bressen's workshop on meeting facilitation last weekend, my view of meetings has been transformed.

I used to think of meetings as a necessary evil.

But, when I look back on the way in which the workshop unfolded, I see meetings as an art form. If it is well planned and well executed, a meeting is a thing of beauty.

At its best, a meeting draws out people's feelings, bonds them to each other, identifies their common purpose, and moves them towards the realization of their vision.

I have a meeting to attend this afternoon. Rather than thinking, "Sigh," I am thinking, "Oh goody."