How To Be A Successful Cohouser

I’ve been reading Kathryn’s posts on our life here at Pacific Gardens and am finding them really interesting! It made me think about what makes a successful cohouser, and so, removing my “rose-coloured glasses", this is what I have noticed.

Usually the only people who don't fit in have totally unrealistic expectations, and can’t cope with reality. We are just people....and people come in all shapes, sizes and backgrounds, with various opinions and personalities. Throw in youngsters with exuberance, and we have a real mix of what it is like to be in a community. People who are completely stuck in their ways and how everyone else should be, get stressed when we use consensus, and not the "loudest voice wins!!".

Compromise, flexibility, compassionate communication, understanding other points of view, and co-operation go a long way to make life enjoyable for yourself and others. If this fits for you, I think you will thrive in cohousing.

Not everyone here has let go of "being right", but it sure helps to do so, if you want to make friends and reduce conflict. The dynamics of our life at Pacific Gardens change with each new resident. That is the joy and the challenge of living in community. Remember that it is a "personal growth opportunity!!"

Susana

P.S. Here is a picture of me taking part in a permaculture course at Pacific Gardens.

My secret is out

At the Pursuit of Excellence seminar this past weekend, we did a module that helped each of us to identify our communication style (which is akin to personality type). My results shocked me. They claimed that I was a Controller. As the name suggests, it's at the dominant end of the spectrum.

A Controller!!! To me that term spans the water front, all the way from control freak to megalomaniac dictator. Yikes!!! That's not who I am! I am a nurturing, supportive person, right?

I guess my denial stemmed from the fact that I had witnessed the misuse of power. When power had been employed destructively, people whom I loved and I myself had suffered -- either because we lacked the skills to assert ourselves or because we simply had been too little to defend ourselves. Consequently I regarded power as evil.

Our Pursuit of Excellence instructor said that it was important to fulfill our driving needs and to acknowledge our personality types. She said that, if our needs went unmet and/or our personalities went unrecognized, they would leak out in destructive ways. Often they were the source of addictions and other self-defeating behaviours.

Conversely, if we fulfilled our driving needs and recognized our personality types, we could harness their energy constructively. In that case, they were gifts.

Today I told a friend about this additional Blinding Flash of the Obvious (BFO). She was someone who had been telling me for months that I had leadership qualities, but I had discounted her opinion. When I shared my BFO, she said, "Hallelujah!"

My friend went on to say that she thought that my continuing education was instrumental in my gaining this insight. She said that, because I had witnessed abuse and because I lacked confidence in my ability to exercise leadership for the benefit of all, my subconscious mind had protected me from the knowledge that I had leadership qualities. But my workshops have been building my capacity. She referred to the seminars I had taken -- conflict resolution, consensus decision making, and the Pursuit of Excellencer. In her opinion, my subconscious mind must have assessed my growing skill set, concluded that I would be able to handle power, and then let me see that I had it. I thought that was an interesting insight on her part.

In any event, now that I've recovered from the shock, I feel liberated.

My BFO

"What is a BFO?" you ask. It is what my Pursuit of Excellence instructor calls a Blinding Flash of the Obvious. I had one of them after the second session of the workshop last night.

Our instructor asked us what we wanted for our kids. We gave various answers that described rich, joyful, fulfilling lives. If I was to sum up all the answers I heard, I would say that all of us in the workshop who were parents wanted our kids to thrive. Our instructor said that the greatest gift we could give our kids was to model in our own lives what we wanted for them. She went on to say that, if that was what we wanted for our kids, it also was what our parents wanted for us. So living a happy life also was the greatest gift we could give our parents.

On my way home last night, I had a BFO. I realized that, to the extent that I had arranged my life to be less than fulfilling, I had done it to spite my parents. It was as if I had said, "You didn't do this, this and this for me. Okay, then I won't give you what you want either. I'll show you. I'll be miserable."

Since I separated, joined Pacific Gardens Cohousing Community, and moved to Nanaimo, my life has really taken off. I did what Joseph Campbell advocated. I followed my bliss. It feels to me as if my life can be divided into two eras, BN and AN -- Before Nanaimo and After Nanaimo.

But even my AN life, splendid as it is, has room for improvement. That's why I'm committed to lifelong learning.

I know it already has given my mother and my sons joy to witness how I've been flourishing, but now I'm going to kick it up a notch. Tomorrow is Mother's Day. The flowers I ordered for my mom already have arrived. She said they were gorgeous, and she was thrilled with them. Well, she ain't seen nothin' yet.

Okay, enough of this chit chat, amigos. I'm off to a full day of Pursuit of Excellence.