"Uh oh. There are a couple of guys walking towards me. If I'm to maintain my image of myself as a nice person, I'll step to one side and make way from them. But my homework assignment is to practise operating in my least favourite mode. So, this time, I'm going to keep walking and force them to make way for me. Oh my God, I'm a total jerk. Oh, but look at that. They made way for me. Nothing terrible happened."
What was that all about? It was my homework assignment from the second day of my workshop entitled Essential Communication Skills in Conflict at Vancouver Island University. The assignment called on me to practice using my least favourite conflict resolution style, which in my case was competition.
One of the big Ahas I had that day was that there are no good or bad conflict resolution styles. Rather, each one has its uses. Each is helpful in some situations and unhelpful in others.
Each style can be measured by its levels of assertiveness and cooperation. Another big Aha for me was that a conflict resolution style could be highly assertive as well as highly cooperative. My previous thinking had been that assertiveness and cooperation were mutually exclusive.
Here’s a run-down of the styles:
Avoidance
Assertiveness – Low
Cooperation – Low
Behaviour – You do not engage.
Uses – When you are in imminent danger.
Accommodation
Assertiveness – Low
Cooperation – High
Behaviour – You give the other person what they want, and sacrifice what you want.
Uses – When there is little time for discussion, when it’s a one-off situation, and when the outcome is unimportant to you.
Compromise
Assertiveness - Medium
Cooperation – Medium
Behaviour – Each of you gets some of what you want, and each of you sacrifices some of what you want.
Uses – When attempts at collaboration have failed and there is insufficient time to discuss things further, the best you may be able to achieve is compromise.
Competition
Assertiveness – High
Cooperation – Low
Behaviour – You get what you want, and sacrifice nothing.
Uses – In an emergency, when there is little or no time for discussion, someone needs to take charge.
Collaboration
Assertiveness – High
Cooperation – High
Behaviour – Both of you get what you want, and neither of you sacrifices anything.
Uses – If you have the time to pursue it, collaboration produces win-win decisions, to which the stakeholders have a high level of commitment.
Traditionally, my conflict resolution style leant towards avoidance and accommodation. Since I have bought into Pacific Gardens Cohousing Community and have been learning about consensus decision making and nonviolent communication, I have grown better at compromise and collaboration. I’m still uncomfortable about being competitive. But watch out –- I’m practising.
Showing posts with label Vancouver Island University. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Vancouver Island University. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
"Curiouser and curiouser!" cried Alice
Today I participated in the first half of a two-day workshop called Essential Communication Skills in Conflict, which was designed by the Justice Institute of British Columbia and delivered at Vancouver Island University here in Nanaimo.
Our instructor encouraged us to choose an anchor word that we would say to ourselves when our emotional buttons were pushed and we felt ourselves getting angry. She said her own anchor was, "Be curious." Although she said we were free to choose different anchors for ourselves, I actually liked hers and decided to stick with it. Approaching a situation with an enquiring mind helps us to avoid being judgemental.
Earlier in the week, I had confronted a friend by saying, "I feel hurt because you did such and such." At the time, I felt proud of myself for raising the topic at all, as it had involved overcoming my reluctance to bring up a difficult subject.
Secondly, I thought I was doing well, because I started out by saying, "I feel ......." But the second part of my sentence -- because you did such and such -- turned it into blame.
Fortunately the conversation went well and the issue was cleared up. I attribute that to my friend's excellent communication skills, which turned the conversation in a positive direction.
I'm still glad I raised the issue. Although my delivery wasn't perfect, at least it was better than allowing my resentment to build. But, with the benefit of some conflict resolution coaching behind me, I now would start out by saying, "I wonder if you could tell me more about such and such, because I didn't know what you meant by doing it, and I'm feeling confused."
Our instructor encouraged us to choose an anchor word that we would say to ourselves when our emotional buttons were pushed and we felt ourselves getting angry. She said her own anchor was, "Be curious." Although she said we were free to choose different anchors for ourselves, I actually liked hers and decided to stick with it. Approaching a situation with an enquiring mind helps us to avoid being judgemental.
Earlier in the week, I had confronted a friend by saying, "I feel hurt because you did such and such." At the time, I felt proud of myself for raising the topic at all, as it had involved overcoming my reluctance to bring up a difficult subject.
Secondly, I thought I was doing well, because I started out by saying, "I feel ......." But the second part of my sentence -- because you did such and such -- turned it into blame.
Fortunately the conversation went well and the issue was cleared up. I attribute that to my friend's excellent communication skills, which turned the conversation in a positive direction.
I'm still glad I raised the issue. Although my delivery wasn't perfect, at least it was better than allowing my resentment to build. But, with the benefit of some conflict resolution coaching behind me, I now would start out by saying, "I wonder if you could tell me more about such and such, because I didn't know what you meant by doing it, and I'm feeling confused."
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Delightful Dilemma
The delightful dilemma that I face in Nanaimo is that there are so many fun activities from which to choose.
I find that on about five out of seven nights there are events that appeal to me. Many of them are free or by voluntary donation.
Sometimes there simultaneously are two or three events that are equally appealing, and I'm forced to choose from amongst them.
Occasionally I skip an event that sounds as if it would be interesting or fun, because I need a night off!
This is what my social calendar for this week looks like:
Sunday night - Taize (tay-zay), a meditative and musical service at Bethlehem Retreat Centre - FREE
Monday - Drove 100 km (60 miles) each way to Courtenay, to visit my dear friend, Christina. I paid for the gasoline, and she took me out to lunch. As I prepare to cut the umbilical chord between my vehicle and me, I have resolved not to drive up there by myself again. Next time I go, I intend to catch the train or the bus.
Monday night - A night off, what a concept
Tuesday afternoon - Had to miss a forum about the Alberta Tar Sands at Vancouver Island University in order to attend a Marketing Committee meeting and a Board of Directors meeting for Pacific Gardens Cohousing Community. But, having just moved from Alberta myself, I am not entirely a stranger to the issues that must have been addressed at that forum. The pithy title of William Marsden's book most likely summarizes the information and opinions that were presented there -- Stupid to the Last Drop.
Tuesday night - Spontaneous invitation to a Greek restaurant from Susana. We both were interested in a talk that Gwynne Dyer was giving at Vancouver Island University. But we also wanted some down time and a chance to get to know each other better. Dyer's presentation no doubt would have been interesting, but I sure enjoyed the conversation with Susana. She generously picked up the tab so, from my point of view, the meal was FREE.
Wednesday night (tonight) - Mr. Holland's Opus, one in the Mid-Week Movies series that addresses mental health issues - FREE
Thursday morning - Ubuntu Choir - Costs $7 for a drop-in session. (Next year I'll go for the $25/month package deal.)
Friday night - Family Sphaghetti Dinner and Sing-along at the First Unitarian Fellowship of Nanaimo - voluntary donation
Saturday night - Potluck dinner with friends. Cost? Well, I suppose if I wanted to get technical I'd say I have to buy ingredients for the casserole dish I'll take. But the occasion essentially will be free or, rather, because of the company of friends, priceless.
Sunday afternoon - Hike with the Whiners Hiking Club. I'm not sure about that, as there are some other options for Sunday afternoon. But I've pencilled it into my calendar. If I do go, it'll be FREE.
Sunday night - The Singing Christmas Tree at the Evangelistic Tabernacle Family Church, an annual concert that reportedly is very, very good and FREE.
One of the things that will be so cool when we're actually living in community is that we'll have the pleasure of good food and good company when we have a couple of communal meals a week in our common house.
I find that on about five out of seven nights there are events that appeal to me. Many of them are free or by voluntary donation.
Sometimes there simultaneously are two or three events that are equally appealing, and I'm forced to choose from amongst them.
Occasionally I skip an event that sounds as if it would be interesting or fun, because I need a night off!
This is what my social calendar for this week looks like:
Sunday night - Taize (tay-zay), a meditative and musical service at Bethlehem Retreat Centre - FREE
Monday - Drove 100 km (60 miles) each way to Courtenay, to visit my dear friend, Christina. I paid for the gasoline, and she took me out to lunch. As I prepare to cut the umbilical chord between my vehicle and me, I have resolved not to drive up there by myself again. Next time I go, I intend to catch the train or the bus.
Monday night - A night off, what a concept
Tuesday afternoon - Had to miss a forum about the Alberta Tar Sands at Vancouver Island University in order to attend a Marketing Committee meeting and a Board of Directors meeting for Pacific Gardens Cohousing Community. But, having just moved from Alberta myself, I am not entirely a stranger to the issues that must have been addressed at that forum. The pithy title of William Marsden's book most likely summarizes the information and opinions that were presented there -- Stupid to the Last Drop.
Tuesday night - Spontaneous invitation to a Greek restaurant from Susana. We both were interested in a talk that Gwynne Dyer was giving at Vancouver Island University. But we also wanted some down time and a chance to get to know each other better. Dyer's presentation no doubt would have been interesting, but I sure enjoyed the conversation with Susana. She generously picked up the tab so, from my point of view, the meal was FREE.
Wednesday night (tonight) - Mr. Holland's Opus, one in the Mid-Week Movies series that addresses mental health issues - FREE
Thursday morning - Ubuntu Choir - Costs $7 for a drop-in session. (Next year I'll go for the $25/month package deal.)
Friday night - Family Sphaghetti Dinner and Sing-along at the First Unitarian Fellowship of Nanaimo - voluntary donation
Saturday night - Potluck dinner with friends. Cost? Well, I suppose if I wanted to get technical I'd say I have to buy ingredients for the casserole dish I'll take. But the occasion essentially will be free or, rather, because of the company of friends, priceless.
Sunday afternoon - Hike with the Whiners Hiking Club. I'm not sure about that, as there are some other options for Sunday afternoon. But I've pencilled it into my calendar. If I do go, it'll be FREE.
Sunday night - The Singing Christmas Tree at the Evangelistic Tabernacle Family Church, an annual concert that reportedly is very, very good and FREE.
One of the things that will be so cool when we're actually living in community is that we'll have the pleasure of good food and good company when we have a couple of communal meals a week in our common house.
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