10 Steps to Peace

I like this excerpt from the website of The Center for Nonviolent Communication.

10 Things We Can Do to Contribute to Internal, Interpersonal, and Organizational Peace

1. Spend some time each day quietly reflecting on how we would like to relate to ourselves and others.


2. Remember that all human beings have the same needs.


3. Check our intention to see if we are as interested in others getting their needs met as our own.


4. When asking someone to do something, check first to see if we are making a request or a demand.


5. Instead of saying what we DON'T want someone to do, say what we DO want the person to do.


6. Instead of saying what we want someone to BE, say what action we'd like the person to take that we hope will help the person be that way.


7. Before agreeing or disagreeing with anyone's opinions, try to tune in to what the person is feeling and needing.


8. Instead of saying "No," say what need of ours prevents us from saying "Yes."


9. If we are feeling upset, think about what need of ours is not being met, and what we could do to meet it, instead of thinking about what's wrong with others or ourselves.


10. Instead of praising someone who did something we like, express our gratitude by telling the person what need of ours that action met.

At this moment, the most challenging advice on the list, for me, is Number Three. Of course I subscribe to that value ....... in theory. But talk is cheap. Whether or not I walk my talk is the test.

To a friend's house the way is never long.

To a friend's house the way is never long.

That was a poster that my friend, Mary, had in her kitchen in Calgary. Whenever I was in her house and saw the poster, I reflected on the truth of it. She and I lived at opposite ends of Calgary, but visiting her never felt like a chore. It didn't even feel onerous later, when a visit to her involved that protracted trans-Pacific flight from Melbourne.

I’ve just been wondering why I don't notice the "work" involved in visiting a beloved friend. The answer, for me, is that the reward far exceeds the effort.

In the world of financial investments, this is called ROI (return on investment). I have witnessed this principle again and again in the context of cohousing.

Last night, half a dozen or so members of my community had a difficult discussion. It took a long time for them to work through their issue, and it required tremendous patience. Each person listened, suspended judgement, and parked his/her ego off to one side. Tree Bressen, who facilitated a workshop for us last autumn, refers to this as being of service to the group.

After a lengthy and demanding conversation, my fellow cohos got through their dark tunnel and back into the light.

In one sense, it took a lot of effort for me even to witness this interaction. Yet, in another sense, I thought nothing of it. It doesn’t occur to me to count the cost, because the rewards of the entire enterprise so far outstrip any exertion that I put into it.

Community definitely is one of those phenomena of which it can be said that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. The ROI that I have received from it is beyond measure.

I also happen to believe that, if anything will enable us humans to meet our challenges, it will be community, which I view as just another word for love.