At the Pursuit of Excellence seminar this past weekend, we did a module that helped each of us to identify our communication style (which is akin to personality type). My results shocked me. They claimed that I was a Controller. As the name suggests, it's at the dominant end of the spectrum.
A Controller!!! To me that term spans the water front, all the way from control freak to megalomaniac dictator. Yikes!!! That's not who I am! I am a nurturing, supportive person, right?
I guess my denial stemmed from the fact that I had witnessed the misuse of power. When power had been employed destructively, people whom I loved and I myself had suffered -- either because we lacked the skills to assert ourselves or because we simply had been too little to defend ourselves. Consequently I regarded power as evil.
Our Pursuit of Excellence instructor said that it was important to fulfill our driving needs and to acknowledge our personality types. She said that, if our needs went unmet and/or our personalities went unrecognized, they would leak out in destructive ways. Often they were the source of addictions and other self-defeating behaviours.
Conversely, if we fulfilled our driving needs and recognized our personality types, we could harness their energy constructively. In that case, they were gifts.
Today I told a friend about this additional Blinding Flash of the Obvious (BFO). She was someone who had been telling me for months that I had leadership qualities, but I had discounted her opinion. When I shared my BFO, she said, "Hallelujah!"
My friend went on to say that she thought that my continuing education was instrumental in my gaining this insight. She said that, because I had witnessed abuse and because I lacked confidence in my ability to exercise leadership for the benefit of all, my subconscious mind had protected me from the knowledge that I had leadership qualities. But my workshops have been building my capacity. She referred to the seminars I had taken -- conflict resolution, consensus decision making, and the Pursuit of Excellencer. In her opinion, my subconscious mind must have assessed my growing skill set, concluded that I would be able to handle power, and then let me see that I had it. I thought that was an interesting insight on her part.
In any event, now that I've recovered from the shock, I feel liberated.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Saturday, May 9, 2009
My BFO
"What is a BFO?" you ask. It is what my Pursuit of Excellence instructor calls a Blinding Flash of the Obvious. I had one of them after the second session of the workshop last night.
Our instructor asked us what we wanted for our kids. We gave various answers that described rich, joyful, fulfilling lives. If I was to sum up all the answers I heard, I would say that all of us in the workshop who were parents wanted our kids to thrive. Our instructor said that the greatest gift we could give our kids was to model in our own lives what we wanted for them. She went on to say that, if that was what we wanted for our kids, it also was what our parents wanted for us. So living a happy life also was the greatest gift we could give our parents.
On my way home last night, I had a BFO. I realized that, to the extent that I had arranged my life to be less than fulfilling, I had done it to spite my parents. It was as if I had said, "You didn't do this, this and this for me. Okay, then I won't give you what you want either. I'll show you. I'll be miserable."
Since I separated, joined Pacific Gardens Cohousing Community, and moved to Nanaimo, my life has really taken off. I did what Joseph Campbell advocated. I followed my bliss. It feels to me as if my life can be divided into two eras, BN and AN -- Before Nanaimo and After Nanaimo.
But even my AN life, splendid as it is, has room for improvement. That's why I'm committed to lifelong learning.
I know it already has given my mother and my sons joy to witness how I've been flourishing, but now I'm going to kick it up a notch. Tomorrow is Mother's Day. The flowers I ordered for my mom already have arrived. She said they were gorgeous, and she was thrilled with them. Well, she ain't seen nothin' yet.
Okay, enough of this chit chat, amigos. I'm off to a full day of Pursuit of Excellence.
Our instructor asked us what we wanted for our kids. We gave various answers that described rich, joyful, fulfilling lives. If I was to sum up all the answers I heard, I would say that all of us in the workshop who were parents wanted our kids to thrive. Our instructor said that the greatest gift we could give our kids was to model in our own lives what we wanted for them. She went on to say that, if that was what we wanted for our kids, it also was what our parents wanted for us. So living a happy life also was the greatest gift we could give our parents.
On my way home last night, I had a BFO. I realized that, to the extent that I had arranged my life to be less than fulfilling, I had done it to spite my parents. It was as if I had said, "You didn't do this, this and this for me. Okay, then I won't give you what you want either. I'll show you. I'll be miserable."
Since I separated, joined Pacific Gardens Cohousing Community, and moved to Nanaimo, my life has really taken off. I did what Joseph Campbell advocated. I followed my bliss. It feels to me as if my life can be divided into two eras, BN and AN -- Before Nanaimo and After Nanaimo.
But even my AN life, splendid as it is, has room for improvement. That's why I'm committed to lifelong learning.
I know it already has given my mother and my sons joy to witness how I've been flourishing, but now I'm going to kick it up a notch. Tomorrow is Mother's Day. The flowers I ordered for my mom already have arrived. She said they were gorgeous, and she was thrilled with them. Well, she ain't seen nothin' yet.
Okay, enough of this chit chat, amigos. I'm off to a full day of Pursuit of Excellence.
The Last Outpost
The other day I heard someone saying something about the Empire Days Parade. The Empire Days what?
Well, it turns out that Nanaimo is something of an anachronism. It still has an Empire Days Parade during the Victoria Day long weekend in May. Who knew?
If I was going to be in town, I'd attend the United Against Empire Rally and Concert at the Krall Space. But I will be observing another Canadian tradition -- going camping for the Victoria Day long weekend.
Well, it turns out that Nanaimo is something of an anachronism. It still has an Empire Days Parade during the Victoria Day long weekend in May. Who knew?
If I was going to be in town, I'd attend the United Against Empire Rally and Concert at the Krall Space. But I will be observing another Canadian tradition -- going camping for the Victoria Day long weekend.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Guilt and Resentment
Last night I participated in the first session of a workshop called Pursuit of Excellence.
One of the Aha moments I had was an insight into guilt and resentment. They are two sides of the same coin, which is a difference between expectation and reality. Guilt is the cognitive dissonance one experiences when one's performance differs from one's expectation of oneself. Resentment is the cognitive dissonance one experiences when someone else's performance differs from one's expectation of him or her.
That sounds straightforward enough. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to understand it. But sometimes a drawing illustrates a concept more clearly than words, and the understanding penetrates to a deeper level. That's what happened with me. The instructor drew two overlapping circles on the flip chart. She then drew a little frill around the left hand circle. The "pretty" circle represented our expectation, and the plain circle represented reality.
The parts of the circles that overlapped represented the aspects of our expectation and reality that were consistent with each other. The parts of the circles that did not overlap represented the differences between expectation and reality.
When our own performance differs from our expectation, we have to decide what to do. If I think of myself as someone who always makes my bed, and I don't do it, I have a choice. Either I make my bed and bring my reality back in alignment with my expectation, or I leave my bed unmade and I get over it. Feeling guilty doesn't accomplish anything.
When someone else's behaviour is inconsistent with our expectation, we have to decide what to do about it. The instructor said that what we resented was not the person's behaviour but rather the choice we faced in light of their behaviour. Would we silently stew, would we tell them we didn't like what they were doing, would we suspend contact with them? Often that process of choosing our response and then implementing it is what we don't like.
That was a big insight for me. It also helped to make it more objective for me. I could frame it in terms of the choice that lay before me rather than making it about the other person.
One of the Aha moments I had was an insight into guilt and resentment. They are two sides of the same coin, which is a difference between expectation and reality. Guilt is the cognitive dissonance one experiences when one's performance differs from one's expectation of oneself. Resentment is the cognitive dissonance one experiences when someone else's performance differs from one's expectation of him or her.
That sounds straightforward enough. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to understand it. But sometimes a drawing illustrates a concept more clearly than words, and the understanding penetrates to a deeper level. That's what happened with me. The instructor drew two overlapping circles on the flip chart. She then drew a little frill around the left hand circle. The "pretty" circle represented our expectation, and the plain circle represented reality.
The parts of the circles that overlapped represented the aspects of our expectation and reality that were consistent with each other. The parts of the circles that did not overlap represented the differences between expectation and reality.
When our own performance differs from our expectation, we have to decide what to do. If I think of myself as someone who always makes my bed, and I don't do it, I have a choice. Either I make my bed and bring my reality back in alignment with my expectation, or I leave my bed unmade and I get over it. Feeling guilty doesn't accomplish anything.
When someone else's behaviour is inconsistent with our expectation, we have to decide what to do about it. The instructor said that what we resented was not the person's behaviour but rather the choice we faced in light of their behaviour. Would we silently stew, would we tell them we didn't like what they were doing, would we suspend contact with them? Often that process of choosing our response and then implementing it is what we don't like.
That was a big insight for me. It also helped to make it more objective for me. I could frame it in terms of the choice that lay before me rather than making it about the other person.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Air travel -- the new smoking
My mother likes to watch classic movies on TV. She says it's easy to tell the era in which a movie was made. In the old movies, everyone smoked, and no one had sex. In new movies, everyone has sex, and no one smokes.
I take some comfort from that when I despair over the environment. People in the western world used to think of smoking as a sophisticated activity, but they no longer do. Few of my friends smoke and, of those who do, most would love to give it up. They carry on smoking because, by their own admission, they are addicted to nicotine.
I am hopeful that, over time, cultural attitudes towards ecologically devastating activities will shift too. I am feeling guilty because I'll soon be flying from Canada to Southern Africa to participate in a family reunion to celebrate my mother's eightieth birthday.
The good news is that I'm feeling uncomfortable. It's a sign that I have some awareness of the harmful effects of air travel on the environment. Carbon emissions from jet aircraft are staggering. A few years ago, I wouldn't have given the environmental implications of this trip a second thought.
Now I am re-thinking destinations I had wanted to visit in future and how I will reach them. I feel much more inclined to stay closer to my (admittedly beautiful) home. When I do travel, I will be more inclined to use surface transit.
Something that is helping me to feel connected with distant family members and friends without flying to them is Skype. With webcams connected to our computers, or built into them, we can chat, even if we're separated by thousands of miles. I particularly have enjoyed long conversations with my brother in Australia.
As for our current movies, I will refrain from speculating what it is about them that people of the future will find noteworthy.
I take some comfort from that when I despair over the environment. People in the western world used to think of smoking as a sophisticated activity, but they no longer do. Few of my friends smoke and, of those who do, most would love to give it up. They carry on smoking because, by their own admission, they are addicted to nicotine.
I am hopeful that, over time, cultural attitudes towards ecologically devastating activities will shift too. I am feeling guilty because I'll soon be flying from Canada to Southern Africa to participate in a family reunion to celebrate my mother's eightieth birthday.
The good news is that I'm feeling uncomfortable. It's a sign that I have some awareness of the harmful effects of air travel on the environment. Carbon emissions from jet aircraft are staggering. A few years ago, I wouldn't have given the environmental implications of this trip a second thought.
Now I am re-thinking destinations I had wanted to visit in future and how I will reach them. I feel much more inclined to stay closer to my (admittedly beautiful) home. When I do travel, I will be more inclined to use surface transit.
Something that is helping me to feel connected with distant family members and friends without flying to them is Skype. With webcams connected to our computers, or built into them, we can chat, even if we're separated by thousands of miles. I particularly have enjoyed long conversations with my brother in Australia.
As for our current movies, I will refrain from speculating what it is about them that people of the future will find noteworthy.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Personal versus collective responsibility
In yesterday's blog entry, I shared my regrets about my past mistakes, with a focus on my parenting style when my children were young. Although I take responsibility for missing the mark, I also believe that the society in which I lived supported me in some ways and thwarted me in other ways.
Recently I chose to join Pacific Gardens Cohousing Community. There were many things about it that attracted me, but one of them was the fact that a cohousing community would create an environment that would support me in living the way I wanted to live.
Because British Columbia is in the midst of a provincial election campaign, I am noticing more than ever the balance between personal and collective responsibility at broader levels -- municipally, provincially, nationally, and internationally.
Yes, people are responsible for what they put in their own mouths and what goes into their children's mouths. But the larger society can either reinforce or defeat parents in their attempts to keep their children's diets healthy. For example, it's difficult for an individual parent to ensure that his or her kid eats healthily if school vending machines tempt the kid with sugar-laden beverages.
At every turn, the infrastructure that the larger society has created either helps or hinders people's efforts to be well.
Most people in my circle of friends in Nanaimo care about British Columbia's provincial election on May 12th, 2009. But, when I am out campaigning for the Green Party, some of the people whom I encounter seem apathetic.
I wonder about the reasons for their apathy. It seems to me that some of them might include:
Recently I chose to join Pacific Gardens Cohousing Community. There were many things about it that attracted me, but one of them was the fact that a cohousing community would create an environment that would support me in living the way I wanted to live.
Because British Columbia is in the midst of a provincial election campaign, I am noticing more than ever the balance between personal and collective responsibility at broader levels -- municipally, provincially, nationally, and internationally.
Yes, people are responsible for what they put in their own mouths and what goes into their children's mouths. But the larger society can either reinforce or defeat parents in their attempts to keep their children's diets healthy. For example, it's difficult for an individual parent to ensure that his or her kid eats healthily if school vending machines tempt the kid with sugar-laden beverages.
At every turn, the infrastructure that the larger society has created either helps or hinders people's efforts to be well.
Most people in my circle of friends in Nanaimo care about British Columbia's provincial election on May 12th, 2009. But, when I am out campaigning for the Green Party, some of the people whom I encounter seem apathetic.
I wonder about the reasons for their apathy. It seems to me that some of them might include:
Monday, May 4, 2009
A new day
The entry entitled Six on Annie's Sensible Living blog brought up regrets for me. When I see how Annie, Krista of the This Inspired Life blog, and some other parents of young children employ the principles of nonviolent communication, my heart aches.
When my kids were young, I did the best I could with the information, resources and personal capacity I had at the time. But, if I had known then what I know now, I would have done many things differently. Yet I don't have a rewind button that allows me to go back and start again. So my whole past -- the good, the bad, and the ugly -- remains my past.
What I am focusing on now is cultivating compassion for myself. I believe that, if I am kind to myself, it will increase my capacity for kindness towards others. I have a tendency to beat up on myself. I am inclined to judge my past actions on the basis of facts and support systems that are available to me now but to which I did not have access then. When I notice myself doing that, I make a conscious effort to return to the present moment, because that's all I have to work with.
With that said, I look forward to interacting with children at Pacific Gardens Cohousing Community. The prospect of living in an intergenerational community was one of the features that attracted me to cohousing. It will provide me with the joy of being in close proximity to little people who are full of life and energy. I experienced that exhilaration when I spent a few days at Creekside Commons in Courtenay, BC.
Not only will it be fun for me, but it also will provide a supportive environment for the parents of those young children. I will be one of the people who will form a surrogate extended family for them. The younger families in our community will have relationships with middle aged and older people who, although they are imperfect, nevertheless aspire to nonviolent communication.
Moving into cohousing will give me an opportunity to interact with children in new ways. I may not have a rewind button, but I do have the capacity to change, to chew through the cocoon that protected and yet imprisoned me when I was a caterpillar and emerge as a butterfly with greater range and freedom.
Happy sixth birthday to Lily, and happy metamorphosis day to Judy.
When my kids were young, I did the best I could with the information, resources and personal capacity I had at the time. But, if I had known then what I know now, I would have done many things differently. Yet I don't have a rewind button that allows me to go back and start again. So my whole past -- the good, the bad, and the ugly -- remains my past.
What I am focusing on now is cultivating compassion for myself. I believe that, if I am kind to myself, it will increase my capacity for kindness towards others. I have a tendency to beat up on myself. I am inclined to judge my past actions on the basis of facts and support systems that are available to me now but to which I did not have access then. When I notice myself doing that, I make a conscious effort to return to the present moment, because that's all I have to work with.
With that said, I look forward to interacting with children at Pacific Gardens Cohousing Community. The prospect of living in an intergenerational community was one of the features that attracted me to cohousing. It will provide me with the joy of being in close proximity to little people who are full of life and energy. I experienced that exhilaration when I spent a few days at Creekside Commons in Courtenay, BC.
Not only will it be fun for me, but it also will provide a supportive environment for the parents of those young children. I will be one of the people who will form a surrogate extended family for them. The younger families in our community will have relationships with middle aged and older people who, although they are imperfect, nevertheless aspire to nonviolent communication.
Moving into cohousing will give me an opportunity to interact with children in new ways. I may not have a rewind button, but I do have the capacity to change, to chew through the cocoon that protected and yet imprisoned me when I was a caterpillar and emerge as a butterfly with greater range and freedom.
Happy sixth birthday to Lily, and happy metamorphosis day to Judy.
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